The power of yes

I've always leaned toward routine, finding comfort in the rhythm of operating each day much like the previous one. Change is OK, as long as I have some control over it.
Unfortunately, life doesn't usually cooperate with my plans, and change happens.
But when an opportunity comes along that may take me out of my comfort zone and ask me to do something unfamiliar, I usually hesitate, and my first inclination is to say no. Turns out, saying no consistently actually shuts down part of my brain.
Recently I read an article that gave me pause. It's called "Just Say Yes" by Jamie Stringfellow in the July/August issue of Spirituality & Health, a magazine I receive at work that often reports on scientific research about the benefits of spiritual practices.

Stringfellow writes: "When you say no a lot, your brain gets in the habit, literally paving more neural pathways and raising the speed limit on your knee-jerk 'No!' response. Luckily, as brain scientists have realized, we can rewire our brains." 

The brain likes efficiency, so if you say no a lot, it starts assuming you're going to say no and starts responding that way automatically. It reminds me of typing something on Google that I've searched before, and it remembers and goes there right away.

So how do we rewire our brains, and why should we? The no response often comes out of fear--fear of failing, fear of falling, fear of rejection. However, Stringfellow writes, "neuroscientists know that when you expose yourself to new experiences … your brain releases noradrenaline and dopamine, and the exertion brings on endorphins. This makes you feel alert and better able to enjoy that moment and the ones that follow."

I should know better. The times I've said yes have usually turned out well, and I've been glad I did so. In 2009, I traveled to Paraguay in July and to Jordan in September, and both experiences were rewarding, despite some difficulties, such as being stuck in Argentina (during its winter) in an unheated house for two days waiting for a flight. In late June I attended a conference and led a workshop on spiritual practices (based on my book Present Tense). It went better than I'd hoped, largely because of people's wonderful participation. I was glad I said yes to doing that. And recently I've faced another decision that required me to take a risk. And after reading this article and talking with my spiritual director, I decided to say yes and see where it led. I still don't know where it will lead.

Saying yes is also important for building relationships. Stringfellow writes that Dr. John Gottman, a leading marriage researcher, says that the simplest way to make relationships work is "to say yes as often as you can without sacrificing an important part of yourself in the process." He even suggests saying something positive five times for every negative thing you say.

Does this mean you say yes to everything? No, you don't simply comply with someone who intends you harm. And we all need to set limits for our own health. But, says Dawna Markova, "what's important is not so much the yes as the willingness to say it. It's the pause."

Stringfellow writes: "Just being willing to say yes means you've removed the barriers to new people, experiences and feelings." And it gets you out of that knee-jerk no response so that new possibilities arise. 

This may be easy for you, but I've been a pessimist all my life, and saying yes, or even pausing to consider saying yes, means I believe something positive may happen. So this really is a spiritual practice.

Saying yes takes courage. It is also an act of love when you say yes to another. Maybe it's something worth practicing. Yes, it is.